"Hi," I said. "I'm Sir Loin. This is my girlfriend, Tube Steak"
No, the Gaylord Opryland Hotel is none of that. It goes out of its way to exude an air of taste and convenience, and mostly succeeds. Underneath it's glassed-in nine acres are waterfalls, tropical plants and a man-made bayou filled with exotic fish. There's 2 dozen restaurants, including 3 very nice ones, 2,400 rooms, 6 pools and about 20 shops devoted to tourist hokum. There's even a country radio station that beams out from here. Opryland once laid claim to being the largest convention center in the world, and its geared for people who don't expect to be seeing much in the way of daylight. The whole place feels like an orbiting biosphere: a little bit country, a little bit Disney, with a dash of Stepford thrown in.There are a lot of hotels like this that cater to the convention goer, but in those places you can at least take comfort in knowing that there's civilization nearby: a nice restaurant, a downtown to stroll in, or maybe even a little park.
Opryland takes the concept up to 11. We've all been talking about the overwhelming claustrophobia of the place. The closest site of interest, aside from a Shoney's, is the gargantuan Opry Mills Mall -- which is not at all a cure for claustrophobia. A free shuttle takes you there from the hotel. And if you want to splurge and head to downtown Nashville, there is a shuttle that takes you there as well. But the destination is a chain bar that advertises 3 floors of line dancing, which in my mind served only to underscore the Stepford feeling.
As I headed to my room from another fact-filled day of education policy, I noticed a tour heading down the man-made bayou in a boat. There are times like these, dark moments of the soul, where I wish I could commune with Charlton Heston and just rail to the heavens on the savagery of it all. As an aside, I should note that I've always loved those over-the-top moments from movies. One of my favorites is Al Pacino from "And Justice for All": "That man should go straight to f*ckin jail....You're out of order! My client's out of order. This trial is out of order. The whole f*ckin American justice system is out of order." I also just saw "Poltergeist" on TV, and I loved the moment towards the end, where Craig T. Nelson yells out,"YOU ONLY MOVED THE HEADSTONES!!!"
But few things beat the original. So, I'll leave with this:
8 comments:
Hey, you're on my old stamping grounds!
The whole current Opryland complex stands on what was one of the first non-Disney theme parks in the South. I used to go there as a teenager when it was brand-spankin' new. A lot of my college-age friends worked in the various live shows, and others were the costumed characters that walked around (musical instruments such as Delilah Dulcimer and Barney Bass). Years later, my younger sister worked there in the summer, most famously in the Lost Dutchman ride. Sherri Edelen (a native Nashvillian) worked there many summers and is also a graduate of the Lost Dutchman.
It had a wonderful carousel and a log flume and a skyway that gave you a great view of the park, and one day they just shut it all down. No warning, no chance to grieve. Some years later the monstrosity that is the Convention Center went up. I think one or two rides may still remain, but every time I pass the Center complex my heart aches for the REAL Opryland.
By the way, I'll be flying into BRI on Wednesday. We are two ships that pass in the night...
Two sheep that pass in the night. Baah.....
The remnants of the amusement park must be near the Opry Mills mall. At least, there are some rides there.
Given all the bad things I said about Opryland, I must, for the sake of fairness, note that I had a sublime piece of steak there last night.
Opryland...is...still...people!!!
So *that's* where you've been lately. When I walked by your empty cube and asked Travis about your whereabouts, he said, "How should I know where he is? I'm too busy being a gay leprachaun." No, that's not quite true. He did in fact say that you're at some convention. Hopefully he doesn't know about your blog.
Interestingly, I've also stayed at Circus, Circus in Las Vegas, and I remember it being absolutely godawful. I can still taste the gross scrambled eggs I had for breakfast there, nigh on 20 years ago. And Bugaboo Steakhouse is pretty damn tacky.
Ive been there 3 times before (the 1st was a band trip from high school and we were at the amusement park Donna mentions) and will be there yet again for another trade show in 2 days-
kill me
please
Jim, you need to make the peace with Travis, and apologize to leprachauns everywhere.
Brian, I feel you. I think you should at least wait until the BBC reunion to end it all, but if you can't, the Opry Mills Mall offers a very unique opportunity. Across from the Barnes and Noble -- I swear I'm not making this up -- there's a giant pool filled with stingrays...for kids!
On Day 5, it took all of my will not to jump in.
Update: Apparently, if you go on google and type "Opryland" and "claustraphobia" there are hundreds of hits. Samples here:
http://www.yelp.com/biz/opryland-hotel-nashville
A favorite from "Andy T. of New York":
This ginormous hotel is quite possibly the tackiest place I've ever been. I feel like I'm trapped in the biosphere with no connection to the outside world (is it warm outside? cold?). Staying here all week (covering the baseball winter meetings), I feel like I've been transported to an alternate universe where everyone is old, walks with rolling suitcases and enjoys snapping photos of faux waterfalls and hanging zebras dressed in xmas ornaments. My salvation is Rusty's Sports Bar and the Jack Daniels Saloon, both located in the "Lounge Wing" of the hotel. This hotel couldn't be much bigger (it has its own zip, apparently) but it all looks exactly the same. Who designed this place? And do I really want to know?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this the hotel that has water donated from rivers all over the US for a creek that runs through the property?
A River Runs Through It. True. Does it come from waters from around the country? I just don't know. But it sounds like the kind of gimmicky schtick Opryland would go for.
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